SOON I will be traveling to the deep south for my 98 year old mom’s transition to the higher realms. Her Celebration of Life will be a dual-reality experience for me. I’ll lift into the awareness of her powerful loving soul – while at the same time feeling the human disappointment of being raised by a mother who could not love my earthly self.
I know in my heart that my mother’s soul loves me deeply or she would not have agreed to play such a harsh role in my life plan. She taught me to dig deep into the greater meaning of life – because her human love was unavailable.
She handed me the great books to read when most children were struggling to read their first grade primers. And through those magnificent books I fell in love with the power of the written word; the wisdom within the pages of Louisa May Alcott who brought light to her childhood pain.
I found deep understanding through books like The Grapes of Wrath and The Old Man and the Sea. In my darkest childhood moments great books like Franny and Zooey lifted me into a higher frequency of love, understanding and forgiveness – a momentary taste of heaven. I wanted to lift others into that experience so I began my journey as a writer while still in elementary school.
My mother gave me that gift – the writing career that would carry me gently through life.
There was a quiet peace that could be found on the back porch during a hot Alabama summer’s day leafing through every Salinger book I could find or basking in the romance of another Mary Stewart mystery.
She always had a new book to share – which was extraordinary when I look back and realize she was the youngest of 12 in a struggling French Creole family where no one went to college and not a book was to be found.
She had a deep love for Mother Mary in the Catholic tradition and taught me the rosary early on. Each of us kids were given statues of Mary for our bedroom altars. Mary became my comforting soul mother.
Mom was handed a genetic gift through her ancestral lineage – but it did not serve her well in the 40s and 50s when blending into cultural norms was the rule of survival. Her intuitive knowing and precognitive gifts were unquestionable. Jaw-dropping. Yet that inner sensitivity got turned around and around by this harsh world – until it turned her rageful at the disappointments of life.
She might’ve fared better in her hometown of New Orleans but when dad moved us to Mobile, Alabama in the late 50s – she lost her footing in the closed-minded suburban sterility we found ourselves in.
Her rage was mostly aimed at me, her oldest, for embarrassing her in the world of southern manners that neither of us understood how to navigate. My mom had been a sort of petite Marilyn Monroe beauty in her day – the cute center of attention.
I was shy awkward ugly to her. My hair was dark, thick, heavy and couldn’t manage the acceptable 50’s flip. My eyes were deep pools of brown and my skin too olive from the blending of her Creole ancestors. I was tall and skinny beyond all reason with absolutely no breasts to boost up with a “training bra.”
Yet all of this inner struggle was perfect for my soul’s growth. I began to discover how differently I viewed the world from the cultural and religious southern norms of the time. It was too uncomfortable to stay…
Leaving home was the only way to find my way. And what a blessing that was for me.
Her soul had fulfilled our agreement; she’d successfully launched my soul on its passionate quest for meaning, purpose and wisdom.
I cherish the wisdom gifts she gave me; the turmoil created within that drove me to grow and learn until I could view life from the soul’s lens – while still walking in the earth realm.
I found my voice, my true work and my inner wisdom to share with others. I’ve helped so many shift into their soul’s wisdom.
Without the painful soul agreement I had with my mother, I would not be who I am today. And I’m proud of who I am today. It’s who I came here to be.
So when my mom finally leaves her earth life, I’ll see her in heaven as the gorgeous loving soul she truly is. It will be a joyous reunion of our higher selves.
Sometimes I wish it could’ve been easier for us. But these earth lives are brief and pain is part of the fabric of this dense realm.Truth is only revealed from the higher perspective.
And I absolutely know that all is well with her soul and my soul.
And always has been.
And so it is.